XENA

So.... I've been watching a TON of X:WP lately. That's Xena: Warrior Princess for you non-xenites. Really no one knows about my Xena obsession because, a. I'm kind of a secretive person to begin with, and b. I'm pretty embarrassed about it. Xena is a pretty mediocre piece of television, with lots of contrived plot devices and slapstick acting. So why am I an obsessed super fan? Two reason.

1. Lucy Lawless

Hominahominahomina. Holy crap Lucy is beautiful. Piercing eyes, hot athletic build, crazy comedy skillz. Any show that's 90% me getting to watch a beautiful woman tramp around with a giant sword in a leather and brass getup is okay by me.

2. Lesbeens


Well, so I believe I first heard about the lesbian element of Xena through a Simpson's episode, and then of course went on to further explore it myself. Apparently, there was a little something called "subtext" that lesbians had picked up on in the show. While it wasn't explicitly gey, I guess the lady lovin ladies had found something about the princess and the bard that seemed a to cross the "platonic friendship" boundary. This news didn't really excite me at first. My initial response: "Pshhh, whatever. Lesbians always look for "subtext" that doesn't really exist. It's just a coping mechanism. We don't have many characters on tv that represent us, so we just project our internal yearings onto characters who will always break our hearts and get married off to dashing young men."

Then I watched the show. Holy shamoly. It's so gay that I got it studded wristcuffs for xmas. The looks. The "I love you"s. The hugs. The fact that neither of them ever enter into any sort of long-term relationship at any point during the show. The innuendo. And they kiss! Like on the lips! Seriously, there must be about 5 full or partial lip-kisses throughout the whole series. There's also naked jacuzzi baths, and boob grabs, and the calling each other "soul mates." God I wish I had a friend like that.

I haven't watched all of Xena, because honestly, I only watch it for the Xena/Gab shipping, and there's not enough of it in most of the eppys. 8 mins of watching a Lawless stunt double faux-kick a row of baddies in the head is 7 1/2 mins too much for me, and unfortunately that's what a lot of the episodes consist of.

"You haven't watched all of the episodes?" You say. "Well then what right do you have to call yourself a superfan?" Well, invisible reader, not only do I watch the show, I also look up commentaries from the actors online. I also watch fan-vids on youtube. I also check episode guides to see which episodes are most subtext-heavy. I also frequent a blog called LOLXena. Yeah it's nerdy, and I'm not super proud of it. However, I need to fufill my lesbotic needs somewhere, and if I'm not getting them filled IRL, and the only lesbians on TV are "Oooh, stare at me harded" neurotic and sexless Callie and Arizona from Grey's, then I have to go somewhere. And apparently that somewhere is a campy medevail nerdfest called Xena: Warrior Princess.

So in conclusion, someone find me a girlfriend (preferrably Lucy Lawless's long lost lesbian twin), so that I can get back to reality, and stop trying to scour the web for any small scrap of Xena/Gabby lezzy smirks and boob brushes I can get my eyes on. Please donate today.